Here I go again

I sincerely apologise for my lack of responses bc I’m so busy and far too depressed to be spending energy dotfully responding to each of you. Though, I wish I could. I still joyfully spend hours paging through responses like it’s the first time I’ve read them. With that being said, I cannot thank each of you enough for whole heartedly and continually caring for me. I can’t see that I’ve done anything to deserve such a wide spread show of genuine support.

Updates;

My birthday was bomb. I spent most of my time with my identical twin, her husband Al, and my sweet sweet husband, Ryne, on a beach near tc. I loved spending time reminiscing of memories I made there in my adolescence.

I also loved moving to a new apartment. I tell everyone that it’s super booshy bc they serve Starbucks in the lobby.

I recently began therapy with a new speech therapist. She’s amazing. She makes everything practical and purposeful for my life.

I will also begin couples therapy with Damaris soon. She is my long term personal therapist. She is very wise and compassionate! I hope she can begin to help me understand this trauma through rynes eyes.

-Anwsered prayer

I was approved for a terratrike bike last week!

I cut two onions this week!

I began salivating again!!

I passed my swallow study last week meaning I can finally share a stout on the porch with my love!

Kelly Klump is willing to take me back to work and Grace ( her RA) is my caregiver!

I can put my education to use on the care team at riv.

-Prayer requests

That the staff at hope would have a gentle re-understanding of the population they are working with.

That the governor and the people who live in the state of Michigan would feel safe and taken care of.

That my depression wouldo be lifted. That every day would be filled with the joy of Jesus and that I would deeply get what role grace plays in my every day life.

Finally I’d like to share a poem my friend Kelsey Hudson wrote:

“And yet I sit here, in the pit of my soul, in the depths of my being, in unbelief

Unbelief in myself

Unbelief in my worthiness

Unbelief that my progress will cover up all of my hurt, shame, and regret

When will the shadows stop being a constant companion?

When will I feel like I can breathe in my freedom?

When will the waters of salvation clean my sackcloths?

When will it end?

I don’t know

And I don’t know that I need to know

I can only move forward, and adapt, and tell myself I love myself until I believe it

Fake it until you make it, that’s what they say, right?

Well then damn, I’m about to be the fakest happiest sunshine bitch ever

I’m about to radiate the stars and the moon, running through fields of lavender, jumping in piles of leaves, like I’m in a tampon commercial

Like I’m empowered

Like I’m someone

Like I’m me

Like I’m my own home

And someday

Someday it will connect

I’ll be safe in my own home, in my temple, in me

And I look forward to that day

Because I know it’s coming

But for now, I’m choosing to be here

To feel everything

To set good boundaries for myself

To grieve

To rest

To laugh

To have coffee with a friend

To ready a good book

To paint

To dance like no one is watching at a friend’s wedding reception, when everyone is watching

To know that not all days will be fully good or fully bad

To embrace embodiment

So I breathe

I breathe in whatever today has for me

Even though I’m exhausted

Even though I wake up and have to crack my hands and unclench my jaw because I’ve been grinding my teeth all night

Even though I have set no less than 12 alarms to make sure I don’t make it to work late

Even though I’m going to spellcheck the hell out of this poem, and obsess and overthink every little phrase and paraphrase

Even though I feel intimidated by today

By the prospect of having another panic attack at work

By the possibility of feeling melancholy, and my tendency to play depression detective and connect all the pieces

But here goes nothing

Well, here goes everything

Here goes today

For today is a new day

Because I am here

And so are you

Take a deep breath, and I will too

And thank today for being today

And thank you for being you

And me for being me

And do the damn thing

It’s only here for today “