I sincerely apologise for my lack of responses bc I’m so busy and far too depressed to be spending energy dotfully responding to each of you. Though, I wish I could. I still joyfully spend hours paging through responses like it’s the first time I’ve read them. With that being said, I cannot thank each of you enough for whole heartedly and continually caring for me. I can’t see that I’ve done anything to deserve such a wide spread show of genuine support.
My birthday was bomb. I spent most of my time with my identical twin, her husband Al, and my sweet sweet husband, Ryne, on a beach near tc. I loved spending time reminiscing of memories I made there in my adolescence.
I also loved moving to a new apartment. I tell everyone that it’s super booshy bc they serve Starbucks in the lobby.
I recently began therapy with a new speech therapist. She’s amazing. She makes everything practical and purposeful for my life.
I will also begin couples therapy with Damaris soon. She is my long term personal therapist. She is very wise and compassionate! I hope she can begin to help me understand this trauma through rynes eyes.
I was approved for a terratrike bike last week!
I cut two onions this week!
I began salivating again!!
I passed my swallow study last week meaning I can finally share a stout on the porch with my love!
Kelly Klump is willing to take me back to work and Grace ( her RA) is my caregiver!
I can put my education to use on the care team at riv.
That the staff at hope would have a gentle re-understanding of the population they are working with.
That the governor and the people who live in the state of Michigan would feel safe and taken care of.
That my depression wouldo be lifted. That every day would be filled with the joy of Jesus and that I would deeply get what role grace plays in my every day life.
Finally I’d like to share a poem my friend Kelsey Hudson wrote:
“And yet I sit here, in the pit of my soul, in the depths of my being, in unbelief
Unbelief in myself
Unbelief in my worthiness
Unbelief that my progress will cover up all of my hurt, shame, and regret
When will the shadows stop being a constant companion?
When will I feel like I can breathe in my freedom?
When will the waters of salvation clean my sackcloths?
When will it end?
I don’t know
And I don’t know that I need to know
I can only move forward, and adapt, and tell myself I love myself until I believe it
Fake it until you make it, that’s what they say, right?
Well then damn, I’m about to be the fakest happiest sunshine bitch ever
I’m about to radiate the stars and the moon, running through fields of lavender, jumping in piles of leaves, like I’m in a tampon commercial
Like I’m empowered
Like I’m someone
Like I’m me
Like I’m my own home
Someday it will connect
I’ll be safe in my own home, in my temple, in me
And I look forward to that day
Because I know it’s coming
But for now, I’m choosing to be here
To feel everything
To set good boundaries for myself
To have coffee with a friend
To ready a good book
To dance like no one is watching at a friend’s wedding reception, when everyone is watching
To know that not all days will be fully good or fully bad
To embrace embodiment
So I breathe
I breathe in whatever today has for me
Even though I’m exhausted
Even though I wake up and have to crack my hands and unclench my jaw because I’ve been grinding my teeth all night
Even though I have set no less than 12 alarms to make sure I don’t make it to work late
Even though I’m going to spellcheck the hell out of this poem, and obsess and overthink every little phrase and paraphrase
Even though I feel intimidated by today
By the prospect of having another panic attack at work
By the possibility of feeling melancholy, and my tendency to play depression detective and connect all the pieces
But here goes nothing
Well, here goes everything
Here goes today
For today is a new day
Because I am here
And so are you
Take a deep breath, and I will too
And thank today for being today
And thank you for being you
And me for being me
And do the damn thing
It’s only here for today “