We Love Angie

_weloveangie

So I have been watching a ton of YouTube vlogs of interabled couples like this one, to normalize my situation and it has been extremely helpful, So, I had the idea to start my own. Would anyone watch? Also, if you would watch do you have any ideas about what we should call it?

Hey everyone, and happy belated one year anniversary of my accident. From the bottom of my heart I want to thank EACH of you for praying for and diligently thinking of and supporting me this last year. I can’t believe I’ve been so diligently presented to my Lord for healing and protection. When I get to heaven I’ll be sure to mention you all.

Like usual, my where-with-all to respond to the gifts and cards is not back yet. But I cannot overstate the love each one gives me. I feel so utterly alone in this battle 99.99999999999999999% of the time even though I have an amazing husband, friends, and twin sister to get through this all with. I really can’t stress what your messages and cards saying that you’re STILL praying for me means to me…

I’d like to give you some updates:

• Ryne and I recently went on a cruise together to quickly find out that we’re not cruise people. There were way too many kids for us to really relax. Not enough pools and not enough hot tubs. The alcohol (that I didn’t spill) and comedy were SO good though.
• At the end of our vacation we met two of our very dearest friends ( the Mocks ) with my sister and bro in law in Philadelphia to climb the Rocky Balboa steps. Unfortunately, the steps were closed (with no exception) for Jay Z, Cardi B, and Lizzo. Personally, I think if Jay-Z knew that “I was here” by Beyonce was one of my theme songs he probably would have let me climb the stairs.  (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i41qWJ6QjPI grab some tissues, you’re going to thank me later). Thanks to Ryne I was able to climb stairs TWICE as high anyway.

• My new therapists feel like my long lost family members! My Physical Therapist, Steven, is kind and super challenging, my favorite combo of a person. If that wasn’t enough he loves Jesus and loves being a father to his many kids. Like, actually loves. He fricken raised them, went to PT school, and homeschooled them at the same time so that THEY could receive full ride educations. And many of them did. So there’s that. He’s definitely my long lost father. Rachel, who is my Occupational Therapist, and meeting me TO RIDE HORSES in like an hour, has already made it possible for me to do photography again AND cook a meal. Ally, my speech therapist, reminds me SO much of my twin sissy. She fiercely advocates for me and protects my sleep. I mean come on, could I be any more fortunate? Plus Kathy, my social worker, and Dr. Gabara, my physician, will literally go to bat for me on just about anything. I wish everyone could receive care like this…

• Based on the love and support (which sometimes feels supernatural) coming in from friends and family I often wonder if God is using them to speak love to me right now.
• I am astounded and so grateful to be back at my old job at the Klump lab where everyone seems to value any capabilities I still harbor. I officially came back on Monday of last week and I was happily surprised to find cards and gifts showering my desk. Honestly, for some reason they love me sooo well. I still have to stew on the love to believe it’s real life. Fortunately, my supervisors at Hope are allowing me to work from home some days further mimicking the schedule I used to keep. Finally, my supervisor at Hope mentioned that Kelly is still willing to supervise my tllp (temporary licensed psychology) hours for me. omg!
• Lately, per my speech therapists urging, I’ve been trying to journal again. If you knew me well before the accident, then you would remember that journaling was my main way of speaking to God and sorting through my thoughts. So as illegible it can be sometimes, I ultimately think journaling is going to benefit me coming back to myself in the long run. 

Finally I have a few prayer requests:

• The cloud of sadness over my head never lifts.
• I thought for the good part of this year that I’d been miraculously healed of my eating disorders only to hear that voice of self hatred roar it’s ugly head again.
• Couples counseling is great but I seriously don’t feel like letting Ryne into the depth of my pain.

Thank you all for continuing to follow my progress and support me and my family, it’s appreciated more than you’ll ever know!

With Love,

Angie

I sincerely apologise for my lack of responses bc I’m so busy and far too depressed to be spending energy dotfully responding to each of you. Though, I wish I could. I still joyfully spend hours paging through responses like it’s the first time I’ve read them. With that being said, I cannot thank each of you enough for whole heartedly and continually caring for me. I can’t see that I’ve done anything to deserve such a wide spread show of genuine support.

Updates;

My birthday was bomb. I spent most of my time with my identical twin, her husband Al, and my sweet sweet husband, Ryne, on a beach near tc. I loved spending time reminiscing of memories I made there in my adolescence.

I also loved moving to a new apartment. I tell everyone that it’s super booshy bc they serve Starbucks in the lobby.

I recently began therapy with a new speech therapist. She’s amazing. She makes everything practical and purposeful for my life.

I will also begin couples therapy with Damaris soon. She is my long term personal therapist. She is very wise and compassionate! I hope she can begin to help me understand this trauma through rynes eyes.

-Anwsered prayer

I was approved for a terratrike bike last week!

I cut two onions this week!

I began salivating again!!

I passed my swallow study last week meaning I can finally share a stout on the porch with my love!

Kelly Klump is willing to take me back to work and Grace ( her RA) is my caregiver!

I can put my education to use on the care team at riv.

-Prayer requests

That the staff at hope would have a gentle re-understanding of the population they are working with.

That the governor and the people who live in the state of Michigan would feel safe and taken care of.

That my depression wouldo be lifted. That every day would be filled with the joy of Jesus and that I would deeply get what role grace plays in my every day life.

Finally I’d like to share a poem my friend Kelsey Hudson wrote:

“And yet I sit here, in the pit of my soul, in the depths of my being, in unbelief

Unbelief in myself

Unbelief in my worthiness

Unbelief that my progress will cover up all of my hurt, shame, and regret

When will the shadows stop being a constant companion?

When will I feel like I can breathe in my freedom?

When will the waters of salvation clean my sackcloths?

When will it end?

I don’t know

And I don’t know that I need to know

I can only move forward, and adapt, and tell myself I love myself until I believe it

Fake it until you make it, that’s what they say, right?

Well then damn, I’m about to be the fakest happiest sunshine bitch ever

I’m about to radiate the stars and the moon, running through fields of lavender, jumping in piles of leaves, like I’m in a tampon commercial

Like I’m empowered

Like I’m someone

Like I’m me

Like I’m my own home

And someday

Someday it will connect

I’ll be safe in my own home, in my temple, in me

And I look forward to that day

Because I know it’s coming

But for now, I’m choosing to be here

To feel everything

To set good boundaries for myself

To grieve

To rest

To laugh

To have coffee with a friend

To ready a good book

To paint

To dance like no one is watching at a friend’s wedding reception, when everyone is watching

To know that not all days will be fully good or fully bad

To embrace embodiment

So I breathe

I breathe in whatever today has for me

Even though I’m exhausted

Even though I wake up and have to crack my hands and unclench my jaw because I’ve been grinding my teeth all night

Even though I have set no less than 12 alarms to make sure I don’t make it to work late

Even though I’m going to spellcheck the hell out of this poem, and obsess and overthink every little phrase and paraphrase

Even though I feel intimidated by today

By the prospect of having another panic attack at work

By the possibility of feeling melancholy, and my tendency to play depression detective and connect all the pieces

But here goes nothing

Well, here goes everything

Here goes today

For today is a new day

Because I am here

And so are you

Take a deep breath, and I will too

And thank today for being today

And thank you for being you

And me for being me

And do the damn thing

It’s only here for today “